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wondering if today is a good day to implement my plan...
My most frequent walk of shame is from one bathroom to the other with the plunger
You`ve got to be twins. You`re too stupid to be one person.
Facebook is serious. I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.
If anybody tells you you’re putting too much Parmesan on your pasta, stop talking to them. You don’t need that negativity in your life.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
Everyone’s an optimist when it comes to their car’s fuel gauge.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
And then God said, "Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I`ll give women the power over which to control it."
Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.” … apparently.
I’ve never met a weekend that I didn’t like.
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
Illiterate? Well then sign up today for free online reading classes!
First rule of Pizza club, you don’t share it.