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If it doesn`t include antidepressants, they shouldn`t call it a Happy Meal.
Warning!! Today I will be coloring OUTSIDE the lines..
I watched my first silent movie the other day. The kids weren`t there.
I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
Quick Hide! Monday is Coming!!
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
Alcohol-The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance medicine.
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I
I just want you to be happy. And naked.
Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?
I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?