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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
I think it`s safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.
If camera lenses are round, why are the pictures square?
I didn`t get your text (phrase) - I got your text, I was just too lazy to respond.
Get real. No one’s going to form a single line if the building’s on FIRE.
is having one of those days where they feels like lighting someones face on fire and then trying to put it out with a fork
All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn`t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn`t, use the tape.
ATTENTION: Upon further consideration, I am once again pushing back the debut of my summer beach bod. Thank you for your patience.
Hey babe, go to Google Earth, zoom in on your house. See that blue cap in the bushes? Hi!
If the customer is always right, then why isn’t anything for free?
I need to hire someone who will follow me around and just knock the unhealthy food out of my hand.
I lost 3 pounds over the weekend, but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.
Setting an alarm is how we ruin days that haven`t even started yet.
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when I’m done.