Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
Snoring is just God`s way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
Do you suppose prison guards could use `PROACTIV` to prevent outbreaks?
If it wasn’t for caffeine I wouldn’t be a functioning member of society.
After meeting me... my therapist is now in therapy...
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Behind every beautiful woman, is a beautiful behind.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...
Depression is just your body`s way of saying it needs more orgasms.
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
I always say, your laundry is never completely done, unless you do it in the nude. Which probably explains the strange looks at the laundrymat this afternoon.