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I like the part of the day where we eat the food.
Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.
If you sneeze near an atheist, they just say "science appreciates you".
Life is what happens when you’re not looking at a screen.
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
That awkward moment when you buy a pack of condoms and your wife ask. what you gonna do with those?
Abaaabbbbaaabbbaabbbaabb..... Long time no ` C ` ; P
With great power comes great electricity bill.
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
What is it about being blind that makes people want to walk their dog all the time?
Me: Mom...Dad. I`ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside
I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.
Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.