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If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn`t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
My superpower is making people laugh ... Which would be great if I was trying to be funny
If thought bubbles appeared magically above my head I would be so screwed!
Congratulations! I`ve finally snapped, and you`re first on my list!
Yesterday was international ninja day and I didn`t even know. Well played ninja day, well played.
I`d like to have a child one day...Two days, tops.
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
My life is much more fun and interesting when I`m single... Problem is I can`t remember any of it.
I love sleep ... it’s like a Time Machine to Breakfast.
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
When people see ghosts, why aren`t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
I love watching women`s beach volleyball. There have been two wrist injuries so far, but I should be ok by next week.
Doing donuts in the parking lot sounds fun. Eating donuts in the parking lot sounds better.