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People, like prescription drugs, should have to list the side effects they`re likely to cause.
Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
How do they put the "do not walk on the grass" signs up?
The Bible is pretty accurate...Especially when thrown at close range.
Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
Has anyone donated any money to ALS? All these ice bucket challenges I been seeing makes me think ... you all some cheap bastards
!f yhu T@k yk d!$, then dont talk to me.
What can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon?
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
We have so much in common. You want to travel and I want you to go.
I don`t know about you....but I have thought about running away from home way more as an adult than I ever did as a kid.
Gotta thin the herd. – me eating animal crackers
For the love of God, single people, stop looking for love or you`ll end up married.
I`m on that “Starts tomorrow” diet.