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How is it possible that we have one hand that can do everything while the other hand is all, “I can’t even hold a pencil”?
Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
A simple "good morning beautiful" text could make any girl smile for the whole day. ..but knocking on the bathroom window first to ask her number sort of ruins it for some reason.
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.
If life was easy, we wouldn`t need alcohol.
Roses are Red Violets are Blue, If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
I`m an accident looking for a place to happen!
Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.
Lately, my furnace has run so much I nicknamed it "Forest".
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
One man’s potato is another man’s vodka.
Shouting "Not it!" should still make us exempt from doing anything that we don`t feel like doing.
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don`t have to see, touch, or smell them.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.