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*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be "YOUR" blood.
I just made a voodoo doll of myself. Can someone take it to the gym?
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
You`ve really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can`t reach it.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
I meant to make you a rum cake but somehow I made you a plain cake and now I’m drunk.
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a shot of Vodka while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care.
I`m high as a kite! Let me rephrase that: I`m stuck in a tree.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.
Stealing other people`s statuses on Facebook is called a Facelift.
If the breakfast club took place now, all those kids would just be silently texting about their sh!tty Saturday & never make friends w/ each other.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don`t even remember what he did anymore.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book at Barnes and Noble and laid them end to end you get thrown out by security and banned from returning.