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Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom`s wise words: "Don`t pick that up!! You don`t know where it`s been!!"
Football Logic: Your team won: Celebrate with beers! Your team lost: Better drown my sorrows in some beer.
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
It`s hard to take life serious once you realize people jamming their genitals in each others mouths is considered a sign of affection.
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right for this Monday
My head hurts, I think my horns are coming in...
When I text someone and they don`t text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from the excitement.