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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
I’m glad you’re learning to laugh at yourself. That was kind of getting awkward for the rest of us.
A dog running a hundred miles to retrieve a stick? That`s pretty far-fetched.
Most kids today wont understand the joy of playing with the telephone cord.
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I`m Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
I`m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "Doesn`t understand directions".
I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away?
Today I am thankful for my family....and this 5th of vodka that helps me deal with them.
I don`t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.