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Why can`t braille just be in the shape of the letters?
I hate hanging out with MC Hammer, he never let`s me touch anything.
A sofa is a vacation for your a$$...
I don`t have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.
My advice for pretty much anything that`s broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
I never thought Iād be the type of person who would get up early in the morning to exercise. I was right.
Men are like dogs. We`re excited to see you, and we have no idea what you`re mad about.
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
You`d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their butt in the mirror they would be able to parallel park.
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn`t want to hear. "Who was that?"
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
Firemen, Astronauts, and Doctors are the only people who actually followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.
May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
Why do we call it the Sun instead of a space heater?