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Is there anyone called Phillip here? I found your screwdriver.
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
My wife even says "NO" in her sleep. The force is strong with this one.
I have a life, I have the best life in the world. Oh wait sitting around watching Netflix and eating pizza rolls isn`t a life. I guess i was wrong then. :( bummer
Oh you`re in the shower? Here`s the seven worst songs from your playlist. - shuffle mode
Strangers are like birds. If you run at them screaming and waving your arms they will run away.
"Try to score a goal. Don`t use your hands. See you afterwards." - Soccer coaches
It doesn’t matter what it is. It is automatically cool if it glows in the dark.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
Life is a constant battle between my love of food & not wanting to get fat.
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I`ve put in place for burglars.
Sometime you have to hand it to short people ... because they can`t reach.
Recent survey asked people in the U.S if there are too many immigrants: 17% said yes, 83% said Lo siento, no hablan Inglés
"Don`t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse."