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Sometimes, I use big words I don`t always fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
Black Friday is the second closest thing to a zombie apocalypse except they want sales instead of brains.
Got a little too much sun today. I knew I should have closed the blinds.
The problem with working from home is the absence of sexual harassment.
When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it…
My dog’s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I’d like it to be.
I just broke my record for most days lived.
If you think nobody cares if you´re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
It`s no fun having nothing to do, fun is having a lot to do and doing nothing.
If the shoe fits, shove it further up their a$$
Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
Ahh..Monday, so we meet again ... You dirty bitch!!
You don`t get smarter as you get older. There just aren`t any stupid things left that you haven`t already done.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, "I`d so tap that."