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I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication
I don`t try to annoy people; its just a gift.
At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?
FYI: Taking permanent marker and writting Aeropostale on Fruit of the Loom tee shirts will NOT fool your teenager.
If u cant live without me, why aren`t you dead yet.
Have we considered putting Scooby Doo and the gang on the Malaysian airplane caper?
Let`s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he`s gonna get to wear it.
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
gave up trying to understand women years ago. Women understand women and they hate each other.
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn`t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
I don´t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.