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I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
is available for rebound sex.
I didn`t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that
i wish i could sleep ... but my damn A.D.D. kicks in and basically 1 sheep, 2 sheep, cow, turtle, duck, Ol McDonald had a farm, HEEEY Macerena.
The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.
"Bros before hoes" is something a bro without a hoe would say.
First thing I do in the morning: Look at the clock and hope I have more time to sleep.
I was fighting with this guy over who`s lazier. I let him win.
Working in retail has taught me that the customer is always right. At least while they`re in earshot...
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I`m really fun to talk to.
I doubt my inferiority complex is as good as everyone else`s
I have a condition that renders me unable to go on a diet… I get hungry.
Scientists are saying that social media is making us less accepting and more aggressive. Whatever, a$$holes!