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I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
Hope I never go to jail, because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2003.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
A synonym is a word you use when you can`t remember how to spell the other word.
About to try ordering subway without saying um... Wish me luck!
I think that there are two things that we can all agree on: Boobs.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it takes up a lot more hard drive space.
How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
Adding "just sayin" to a smart-a$$ed comment makes you even more of an a$$hole. Just sayin
Sweetie, if your gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty!
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
I`ve probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator
I can`t tell if I`m really nice but secretly an a$$hole or an a$$hole but secretly really nice.
Don`t be afraid of a few extra pounds, fat people are much harder to kidnap.