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Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
Babe, you look Hot! Is your air conditioner broken?
Just because leggings stretch dont mean yo 465 pound a$$ should be in them!
Do not drink and drive.. because there are people out there who text and drive... and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
My girlfriend wants to get married. I hope she finds someone nice.
I`m sexy and I know it really is....... your slutty and you blow it.
It`s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FridaySaturdaySunday.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I hope daylight savings time doesnt throw me off my schedule of doing nothing.