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"You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry" - me practicing for a successful relationship.
I`m always tempted to yell "Kevin!" mid-flight.
You can test my patience all you want, but I’m never going to pass.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
So much to say. So not drunk enough to say it.
I never forget a breast, I mean face. I never forget a face.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
If you`re a girl and you drink Vodka... there`s a high probability, I love you.
I`m an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" Obviouly, I thought I was going to get away with it!
4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot how to reduce their fractions.
Saw a bird sh*t on my car, so I ate scrambled eggs on my front step, just to show him what I`m capable of.
My love for you is beyond words so don’t expect a Valentine’s Day card from me.
Of course China is dominating the olympics, they probably made all of the equipment.
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.