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Sorry that offended you, I really didn’t think you’d get it.
I have been left unsupervised yet again. This usually leads to trouble & other bad things, please have bail money ready and keep your phone on.
Just got a new phone. Pretty pissed all my contacts were not lost.
A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that
Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I`m like, "Nope. I`m good."
Anything I say or do before I`ve had my coffee doesn`t count.
Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings
I may not be a veterinarian, but I know a horses a$$ when I meet one.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem solver.
You`re in your 20`s... you don`t have "haters"... you have "adults" that think you are "annoying"
For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my p@nis is.
How do we not have lightsabers yet? Its like scientists aren´t even trying.
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
I bet the Fantastic 4 were just pretending to have a girl in the group. "Uh yeah she`s just invisible right now. She`s totally real though."
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you?