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I want to spend the rest of my life photo bombing the Google street view camera shots dressed as Waldo.
The best moments in life are the ones you don`t tell anyone about.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I am, have to avoid the leg cramps during sex, years old.
Still don`t understand why you can`t end a company-wide email with, `Later b*tches.`
Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don´t make eye contact while eating a banana.
I saw something that reminded me of you.. so I flushed the toilet and washed my hands(:
When I`m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend.
Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it must be the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
I wouldn`t consider myself someone that litters but I do turn on my windshield wipers while im driving down the road to get rid of that useless flyer some idiot put on my car when I quickly run into the store.
Had a great time watching the family oriented PG rated Shrek with my grandson last night... until he asked why a Donkey would have sex with a Dragon.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.
This morning someone threw Skittles at me and said "Taste the Rainbow", I ran them over with my car and sang,"Nationwide is on your side"
Being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible