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No one sees you when you`re kind, no one sees you when you do a nice thing, but all will see on you when you fart.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around
My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
Apparently slim chance and fat chance have the same meaning.
When I was a kid…no wait, I still do that.
If Monday had a face, I´d punch it.
I had to explain the Goonies today... so I`m feeling super old and bitter.
I`m not judging you, I`m just trying to guess what medications you`re on.
My only argument with using the treadmill, is that I can`t run away from my farts.
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
I checked my horoscope today and all I can say is ...WOW!! I`m a Taurus and I looked it up and sure enough,it says I was born between 4/21-5/21!! Well played horoscope, well played.
Please help control the pet population, have that special talk with your pet!
I wish there was a reality show where people learned grammar.
Trix commercials just teach kids that sharing is bad.