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Watching a funny movie after watching a scary one too try to reduce the risk of nightmares.
If airports are so safe, why are the buildings called Terminal
Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better
I don`t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Sometimes, I wonder if the weather app on my phone even looks outside.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes.
I can`t fall asleep because I am too excited for Christmas
Why the hell do we still use snow shovels when flame throwers are available?
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
Thats it! I want to be re-inserted and I don`t want to remember a darn thing!
If a guy stares at your boobs, just stare at his d!ck ... maybe squint a little bit
I saw a comedian one time who did nothing but make geography puns. talk abbottabad act.
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.
If I had spoken to my parents the way some children do now, I would not be here to share this status.
I’d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!