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My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that`s why I never dated left handed chicks.
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something.
Trying to figure out why I joined the gym when I have Photoshop.
Twerking is just shaking your a$$? Why did we need a new word? A$$-shaking has served us well for centuries.
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
Siblings – the only people who will pick on you and then kick the a$$es of anyone else who does it.
I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life`s mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.
For the love of God, single people, stop looking for love or you`ll end up married.
I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
Dear Fox news,I have yet to see any news about foxes. Sincerely, disappointed viewer.
Patiently waiting for the Prozac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!
I’m usually that person who has no idea what’s going on.