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I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Saw a billboard ad for potato chips that proudly claimed "There`s a lot of pride in every bag!" Hmmm...is "pride" another word for "air"?
I might be a day late and a dollar short, but it is still my personal best.
Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about sh!t ...?
My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that`s when I hired my first hooker.
I suspects that whoever named that Icelandic volcano (Eyjafjallajokull) must have fallen asleep on their keyboard while thinking it up.
Job interview `What is your biggest weakness?` `Honesty` `I don`t think honesty is a weakness` `I don`t give a flying *#(@ what you think!`
You make me feel "I`m-typing-this-with-my-middle-finger" angry.
NASCAR pit crews are always retiring. Let it sink in: now laugh
I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!
If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it`s a vegetable, right?