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Not all guys just want s@x... I want sandwiches too.
I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn`t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
Lord, help me be the person my psychiatrist medicates me to be.
One things for sure, I can always count on my fingers.
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
Know why girls cross their arms when they`re angry? Boobs. Just a little reminder of who`s in charge around here.
I once bought shoes in China that said "made around the corner"
I`ll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that`s remarkable"
FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don`t remember who you are.
We are living in a generation where Vampires are sparkly,Werevolves are gay and Witches wear leather pants.
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
If you want funny, get off Facebook and watch the news...
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
Son, you don`t get anything in life without trying hard and working for it. Now be quiet, there about to announce the lottery results...
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."