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So what was the best thing before sliced bread?
Seriously, how can it be considered stealing when my neighbor’s WiFi signal was trespassing in MY house? I’m the victim here!!
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
"Baby on Board" Oh really? Thanks for letting me know. I was about to ram into your car but now I won`t.
Is it weird to get naked during a massage? At what point can I ask the masseuse to put his pants back on?
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
I don`t know if I should tip the bathroom attendant, or charge for letting him watch...
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
Remember this when you are drunk: You can`t fall off the floor.
If you ever feel sad remember that there’s a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.
My mission is to be the first person on Facbook to have one million people on their block list. . .
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
A Relationship is like poker, if you don`t have a partner you better have a good hand.
Dear person reading this, just want you to know that someone cares about you. It`s not me, but I`m sure someone does...
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.