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Next time you think life`s not fair..think of this x large clothes cost $2 more than large so why doesn`t small cost $2 less ? Being fat ....now that`s unfair
If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.
Another day where I`m not skinny, rich or famous. Getting real tired of this sh*t.
You can`t fix STUPID, but you can Numb it with a 2x4.
I will be posting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
Admit it, you should be doing something else really important right now but your on Facebook again.
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
My kids wanna have a water balloon fight later, I just got done putting mine in the freezer... Wanna bet I win...
I bet blind people think farts are funnier than deaf people.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
If only my goals were to be poor, lazy and out of shape.
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?
Obviously the movie "the good wife" is not based on a true story. It`s fiction people.