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My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I`d have to stay away from carbs. So I`ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I like restaurants because the people have to be nice and feed you.
If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
I hate when I spend the extra money to buy organic vegetables only to get home and find out that I bought regular donuts.
On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
The first rule of Women`s fight club is don`t tell anyone what you`re mad about or why you`re fighting.
I really need a day inbetween Saturday an Sunday
They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
If you come to myspace and twitter about my yahoo, can I google over your facebook?
Next time you see someone you don`t like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?
If people rode their spouses like they did their brakes the divorce rate would drop drastically.
Apparently you can not demand to be strip searched.
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.