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How do they put the "do not walk on the grass" signs up?
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
I like it like that
"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don`t have kids
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
Are headaches the result of time spent with woman or is it purely a coincidence?
Saw a Mime doing his gig. I reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
My door bell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.
4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot how to reduce their fractions.
Due To ObamaCare and the poor economy Holiday Cheer this year will be distributed in Shot Glasses...
Sometimes when it rains I go outside with a cocktail umbrella and pretend I`m a Giant.
At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.
I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.