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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
Please either stop being so attractive or make out with me, it`s your choice.
Not to cause a panic but i`m starting to think we`re running out of things to stuff inside pizza crust.
"Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated." Thank you news-anchor. It`s my first summer.
None of the animals I designed and invented are at the zoo. Do they even check the suggestion box?
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
It`s going to be so disappointing if we ever ask aliens about crop circles and they`re just like, "We really hate corn."
I havend`t heard from DAEMON MAILER in years, I hope he`s okay.
The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they`ve been lying.
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes.
The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.