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If every social website was set up to look like a spreadsheet, pretending to work would be so much easier for me.
My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
"If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun" ~ My son apparently
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Had another daydream where I`m doing the mexican hat dance and CIA guys watching me from satellites are dancing along in their control room
If you`re not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you`re probably boring.
The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.
You say toilet, I say alcohol vomit receptacle.
Its so hot I used my blow dryer as a cooling fan!
You have no idea how funny I am to me.
Fact: You wish Facebook had the middle finger button.
If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!
One problem with auto-correct is that you always end up posting some thong you didn`t Nintendo.
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.