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There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
Black Friday is Americas version of running with the bulls.
Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.
These last 7 hours at work are always the longest.
Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s a$$ to fall off.
An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.
I am the bestest at the English language...
When it comes to tantrums, I throw like a girl.
What do people mean "get ready for bed"? I am ALWAYS ready for bed.
According to my current parking spot, I`m Chief of Police.
I wasn`t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I really feel about you!
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I have decided to give up procrastinating for Lent ... oh, crap.
If nothing else, love is nice because it confirms that you do not hate everyone. Just everyone minus one.