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The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.
Patient: "The problem is that obesity runs in my family." Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."
If your man is reluctant to talk about his feelings, it’s probably because you haven’t told him what they are yet.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
Your so lazy you should have a Life Alert bracelet that says I`m Just Napping.
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
Just saw a cop that had a U-Haul pulled over on the side of the road. Obviously he was trying to bust a move.
Make Monday More Fun: Unplug the copier at work and put a sign on it that says “Now Voice Activated!” Sit back and watch the magic unfold..
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
I`m going to start a band called "Free Beer" because when people see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM" everyone is going to be there.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.
Back in the day, Mom gave us two dinner choices. What she cooked or jack sh!t....
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.