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I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
when is humpty dumpty going to hatch?
I don`t care what people think of me. It can`t be half as bad as what I think of them...
No one ever said life was easy, but several people did say that you were.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it`s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I`m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
I dreamt that was dreaming, and then someone woke me up and told me I was dreaming but it turned out I had only dreamed that so I went back to sleep in my dream, all upset that my dream that I was dreaming was interrupted by another dream....hahahahaha.....whoa, need to lay off the Red Bull.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.
I ordered a new GPS unit, but it got lost in the mail.
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
I can`t believe people used to have to paint selfies.
To be clever can be difficult without caffiene.
I’m going back to sleep. I refuse to give up on my dreams that easily.