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Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and a$$holes, and anybody else I left out.
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you`re able to "fall asleep right now."
Rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don`t they?
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
Sometimes one middle finger isn`t enough to let someone know how you feel. That`s why we have two hands.
I’ll need a weekend to recover from this weekend.
I`m currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It`s called b*tches and hoes
Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.
If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
I can`t help but smile when I see a woman wearing a Supertramp Concert t-shirt