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I’ve made some mistakes I wish I could make again.
Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.
I love nostalgia. Not sure what it means, but it reminds me of magical words from my childhood.
It isn`t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would`ve been a better option.
One time I snuck a whole rotisserie chicken into a movie, cause candy is for amateurs.
DATING TIP: never reveal how many cats you have.
On a scale of 1 to "Get out you`re fired" where does napping at work rank?
Still waiting for the moment when there will be a "add to wishlist" button on people`s facebook profile !!
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
You could pleasure me just by walking away.
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? ...Well, tough sh!t, I forgot it.