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Do you ever notice that when you´re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
I really wish Walmart had a 10 teeth or more line...
It`s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
What idiot called it "best man" instead of "lord of the rings"
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 700 words.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I`d say I`m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an I-pad
Does anyone have like twenty thousand dollars they don’t want? Asking for myself.
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
"I`d hit that!" -Helpful blackjack dealer
I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, that`s my stuff!"?
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.