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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a dog, or just a pizza.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
It hurts when you go to unfriend someone and you find they`ve beat you to it!
Gyms are full of people that haven`t found the right couch.
Not all country music is terrible. If you can get past the lyrics about trucks, mud, farms and cows... It`s actually not too bad.
I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients.
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
God gives us only what we can handle... Apparently God thinks I am a bad-ass.
Not clicking like on this status makes your a$$ look fat.
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.
Current relationship status: Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.