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My mother was feeling cold so now I`m wearing a sweater.
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
I wish I drove a Volkswagen bug. It would be cool to know that every time I drove by a school bus, some kid was getting punched.
I only seem to remember I want to lose weight after eating 6 cookies.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? You were driving 80 miles an hour. Driver: "No way; I ain`t even been on the road an hour."
I don`t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Geez....Why do they only make hand creams that smell feminine? Why can`t they they make one with a masculine scent? Something like Doritos or WD-40?
Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...
Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing itself immediately after I pet her.
Not so great minds also think alike.
LIKE if you check your phone to see what time it is and then check it again because the first time you weren’t paying attention.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.