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These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.
You know your phone can take pictures of other people too right? Just checking.
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman`s voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it`s working.
Just as I predicted, today was in fact a new day!
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats
The only thing I`ve learned from my mistakes is that I make a whole bunch of them
Is everything expensive or am I simply poor?
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.
My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now
I`m going to hire two private detectives to follow each other .
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.