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If I won the lottery, I don`t think I would change much. I`d still be the same asshole, just one in a helicopter.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario
Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
Some people post because they need attention and validation. Not me. (Thanks for reading this, the `Like` button is below)
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji...
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink every night
If you ever need nothing I am here for you.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
If heat makes things expand, then I don`t have a weight problem ... I am just Hot!
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
To a cop, doing donuts in a parking lot has a whole different meaning.
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.
I`m sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....