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I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
No one has ever said, "You know what would make this even better? ... Turkey bacon."
I typed bitch into my GPS and guess what? I`m in your drive way. Vroom, vroom mother f*%ker.
Oh look, it`s raining outside. I think I`ll go on Facebook and update all my friends that don`t have a window of their own.
Therapy helps ... but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper!
A mistress is something between a Mister and a mattress.
Well it`s about time I get in line for that Star Wars movie
You don’t have to be naked to have a good time, but it helps.
Someone asked me today if ive ever been with two women at the same time. But why would I want to disappoint two women at the same time?
is pondering why people have a favorite color M&M when they all taste the same!
Apparently, "Step up your game" isn`t the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.
Nice tan, what`s your race? Carrot?
I just made my first snow angel!! ... Ok fine.. I got bored, got drunk and then passed out in the snow, whatever!
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Handy tip for new parents : Wake up your baby by gently resting your head on a pillow.