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Don`t ask me for advice, my answer is always get them drunk.
I like to finish all of my drive thru orders with, "And that`s for here."
Types of like on facebook: 1.Stalker like. 2.Crush like. 3.I wanna bang you like. 4.Agree like 5.Pity like.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
I will never admit to my parents that I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa as long as I still get presents and candy.
Some people are like eye-candy... I`m more like eye-meatloaf.
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn`t for throwing at people who stress you out?
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
Waldo’s mom must be worried sick.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn`t improved since fourth grade.
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
My bed is half full - Lonely optimist.
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.
Dear human, you get mad when i wake you up and also get mad when i dont. Sincerely confused, Alarm Clock.
I bet guys that work at strip clubs are "hard" workers...