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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
Love is when the guy who stocks the liquor knows your name.
I`m sticking to my guns ... I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I can not change.
Some people are like rain clouds. Once they f*ck off, it`s a beautiful day.
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
Start each day with a positive thought like, "I can go back to bed in about 17 short hours."
Why do cops get mad when other cops have jurisdiction over a case? I`d be like cool I`m going home to eat.
i like cake. and thats all for today goodbye :)
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Unless your name is “Google”, stop acting as if you know everything!
Things ain`t nobody got time for: That
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.