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I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
What if 11:11 actually works but there`s one person in this world that`s wishing for everyone`s wishes to not come true?
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor`s trash so you don`t get robbed.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you`ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
It`s hard to be a good person when kids fit so perfectly into trash cans.
The great thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbors.
How strange, some guy just waved half of a peace sign at me...
Babies are really cute until you meet one that`s not a picture.
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
NyQuil is great. I love the way it comes with it´s own shot glass
my girlfriend asked me to go to the store and pick her up 50 shades of grey, she was pretty mad when i brought home 50 tubes of lipstick.
There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.
Reincarnation is my only hope.
Procrastination............I`ll make a joke about it later.