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People say "Happy Thanksgiving" which is nice, but then they ruin it by saying "Don`t eat too much". Do they want me to have a Happy Thanksgiving or not?
I screamed a Brazilian times during that waxing.
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
The truth is, men put the lids on jars that tight so you’d need us, we’re not that stupid.
Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
Don`t text me while I`m texting you. Now I have to go back and change my text.
Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.
I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."
Buy a "World`s Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.
To all the students who drop out of high school: Remember two things, 1) You tried your best. 2) I don`t like pickles on my BigMac.