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I`m old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.
Statistics show that 3 out of 5 people.. aren`t the other 2.
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.
My wife told me her favourite position is when i lay very very still for a few hours........late at night....until the alarm clock goes off in the morning.
Life is what you make it = 10% Shit happens = 90%
Facebook needs a "settle down" button.. You tap on a friend`s profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately..
Sometimes I let the words in my mind come out of my mouth. And it feels awesome! B)
Give a man a jacket, and he will stay warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it, and he won`t go outside at all.
Trust me, I am a liar.
I wish I could forget you as easy as I forget my passwords.
Buys Mega-Millions ticket. Has a better chance of being hit by lightning in a cave.
Safety Tip: lock your doors and windows before bed. Btw, I love what you`ve done with the place.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you`d be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Buying your wife a gun is like saying. "You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise."