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I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Ideal roommate: Someone not smart enough to know they are paying 80% of the rent.
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra.
Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.
I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He`s going to pay for that later.
For a guy who cant figure out how a remote works my dad sure has a lot of advice for Obama.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail…
My girlfriend asked me to send some dirty pics. So I sent her a picture of my sink full of dishes. :)
I got a Rolex for my birthday from my lesbian friends. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
I don’t have a problem with friends who ask to borrow money. I love a good laugh as much as the next guy.
I just heard someone say "I can`t wait for 13/13/13" .....let`s take a moment and pray for this dumbass
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
Just once I`d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do...Without being dragged out being told, "Ma`am, you`re not the bride..."
The future was so much cooler in the past.
Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile at my sparkling wit.