Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Porn is so unrealistic. There`s no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.
There is something so unique about me, that even I can`t figure it out...
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead but other people do. The same is true when you are stupid.
I’m not lazy, I’m on energy saving mode.
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
"They are more afraid of you than you are of them." -people who know even less about me than they do about bears
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.
You can`t be late until you show up
I`ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I`ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can`t reach the remote.
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I`m really fun to talk to.
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....