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For once I’d like to get kicked into a bar
Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
If I treated others how I wanted to be treated, I`d be doing a ton of spontaneous sexual favors for random strangers.
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Okay so the pregnant woman in the library didn`t get my `overdue` joke.
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
Quick Hide! Monday is Coming!!
I don`t normally poop with the door open, but I don`t want to miss the in flight movie
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
drinking while working out...it`s called Bacardio
Dear women at Walmart with 6 screaming kids: if your wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart.... Your welcome!
If I ever start a band, I`m going to call it The Voices in My Head. Think of all the fun ways you can tell other people what you`re listening to...
My therapist told me I`m nuts. I said "I wanted a second opinion." She said "Well ok, you`re ugly too."
My plans for GTA 5: Beat the crap outta people, Steal a cops gun, Jack a convertible, Rob a bank, Jump off a building, Go to GameStop, Buy GTA 5