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Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I`m driving
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram.
I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I`ll call you back later with the total.
I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you."
Note to self: don’t set your password reminder as “you should know this”
I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza.
That awkward moment when a homeless person walks up to you at a Coinstar machine.
The trouble with children is that they´re not returnable.
If Wyle E Coyote had enough cash to buy all that ACME stuff why didn’t he just buy dinner?
If your that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
The worst part of Aquaman`s day has to be, when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.