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Thanks to Facebook i now know what everyones bathroom looks like.
My doctor said he`s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?
I love hearing rumors about me...that`s how I find out what I`ve been doing.
Edward Scissorhands will never win a game of rock, paper, scissors.
"I have to go eat cake now", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.
I just made a voodoo doll of myself. Can someone take it to the gym?
I`m not fat, God gave me built in airbags because I`m so precious.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He`s told every other person on earth and I didn`t want y`all to be out of the loop.
If pi is 3.14, then I think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I`m terrified to go into the bathroom.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart or at Taco Bell.
If my walls could talk, they`d probably say "stop running into me you idiot"
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.