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Time heals all wounds...unless it`s infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife`s is around $643.27. Apparently
When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinkyhead that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
When I hear someone say, "chicken pot pie," I get excited three times.
I`d offer moral support, but I have questionable morals.
llllllloooollllll...........................i saw a donkey on a bike
So....if the cup is only half full....I suggest buying a smaller bra
When your wife`s in labour, never sneak a look at the business end; it`s like watching your favourite pub burn down.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a "gym."
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestle Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I`m exhausted.
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat…It’s watching what other people eat.
For the record, giving someone the creeps for Christmas is technically not a gift.
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.