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When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
Yes, bitches be trippin’ but maybe I pushed one.
If a cannibal is late to dinner do they give him the cold shoulder?
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
30+ and single? There`s an app for that. Wait. My mistake. A cat for that.
Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..
You never know how dirty a song`s lyrics are until you hear a child sing them.
I can`t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the taser wrong.
When I get a prescription for drugs, I don`t ask, `Will it work? Are there any side effects?` No, it`s `Can I drink with these?`
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
Cats have tails so you can swing them around. Duh.
No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you’ll still never get your own back.
Does swimming in debt count as cardio?
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.