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All I`m saying is that the cheese grater wouldn`t have 4 sides if they wanted you to wash it after every use.
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading toward a lowered self-esteem and irregular bowel movements.
My teen thought it`d be funny to post as me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
I´m (insert your name) BITCHES!!!! Deal with that.
If you`re a vegan an atheist and a liberal, how do you choose which way to annoy people at Thanksgiving first?
According to the squirrel riding a unicycle in my kitchen, I may have taken too much sleep medication.......
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
Just found out my daughter`s super power is repeating what I`ve said about others as soon as she meets them.
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
My problem is that all food is comfort food
All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn`t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn`t, use the tape.
I carry a yoga mat, but it`s only because I get sleepy after lunch