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Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
Is somebody not editing what I´m saying here???
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
The first sign of laziness:
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it`s up to you.
I scratch my a$$ way to much to chew my fingernails...
Anyone else has a plastic bag at home full of plastic bags?
For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my p@nis is.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actually kill me
No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you’ll still never get your own back.
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.
When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.
It`s like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"