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My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
So vegetarians eat vegetables... I think I`m going to play it safe and avoid humanitarians.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, "Fire", "Free beer" or "The free beer is on fire”
I have a brilliant idea once every seven beers.
I`m glad it`s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
My living room is pretty much a fat camp without rules.
There’s always that last setting on your windshield wipers that makes you go “damn, calm the f*ck down!”
I don`t need your advice. I do a great job of screwing up my life all by myself, thank you!
Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?
All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids
All my dance moves look like i`m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second