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I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs
Urgh..I just dropped my phone, are you guys alright?
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
Didn`t win the lotto again ... send prayers.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
I’m at the age where all my posts start with the phrase “I’m at the age where.”
Very little scares me. So does very big.
my neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums...
7 billion people on this planet and I can`t find one who doesn`t annoy the f*ck out of me.
When everything is coming your way, you`re probable in the wrong lane.
That awkward moment when you type your password where you should`ve typed your email, and your friend`s standing right there -___-
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?