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Just put my money where my mouth is. Pennies taste disgusting.
Why does the need to pee intensify by million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they`re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 700 words.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box? What else could possibly be in there???
If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you`ll be dead soon.
I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
I’m starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.
No one`s lazier than the guy who came up with the name for Juicy Juice.
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
I hate being bi-polar. It`s awesome.
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those TacoBell hot sauce packets.