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I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and the internet.
I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.
Pumpkin for sale. Slightly used
A comprehensive list of the things women have taught me: 1) I`m wrong.
If the shampoo and conditioner in her shower are not the same brand GET THE F*CK OUT, SHE`S A MAN!
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.
I`m fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.
It’s what’s on the inside that counts, unless you’re talking about one of those hollow chocolate bunnies.
I want the time management skills of people who effortlessly carve out entire hours to be offended by every single thing on the internet.
Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
I learned two important lessons today. I can`t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
My wife is a sex object. Every time I want to have sex, she’ll object.
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
I probably shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night ... Especially as I walked there in the first place.