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I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
Checked myself for ticks ... but I didn`t hear anything.
Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don`t come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.
I wasn`t planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung G7 Note phones.
If everything goes as planned, tonight I shall drink myself beautiful.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to "watch a movie" is actually watching a movie.
Redneck Term Of Thee Day-Wisdom: "Mah bruther had him some kidney stones, but he wisdom out!"
Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Life in the fast lane ? Heck, I live in oncoming traffic.
If someone doesn`t return your texts, relax and remember they`re probably just busy not liking you.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
How do we not have lightsabers yet? Its like scientists aren´t even trying.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.